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"Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges.[that I have done nothing to solve] At home, our top priority is to recover and rebuild from a recession that [was Hitler Bush's fault.] has touched the lives of nearly every American. Abroad, our brave men and women in uniform are taking the fight to Al Qaeda wherever it exists. [and they will be court martialed if they--gasp!--give the terrorists bloody noses. I trust those damn SEALs learned their lesson.]
And tonight, I've returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast [where I played plenty of golf, don't you worry about that.] to speak with you about the battle we're waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.
On April 20, an explosion ripped through BP Deepwater Horizon drilling rig, about 40 miles off the coast of Louisiana. [Immediately, I took a nap in response.] Eleven workers lost their lives. Seventeen others were injured. And soon, nearly a mile beneath the surface of the ocean, oil began spewing into the water. [Don't worry. James Cameron and Kevin Costner are on the case.]
Because there's never been a leak this size at this depth, stopping it has tested the limits of human technology. That's why, just after the rig sank, I assembled a team of our nation's best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge, a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation's secretary of energy. Scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice. [That I have ignored.]
As a result of these efforts, we've directed BP to mobilize additional equipment and technology. And in the coming weeks and days, these efforts should capture up to 90 percent of the oil leaking out of the well. This is until the company finishes drilling a relief well [or files Chapter 11] later in the summer that's expected to stop the leak completely.
Already, this oil spill is the worst environmental disaster America has ever faced.[Yet, I had time for a personal serenade from Paul McCartney.] And unlike an earthquake or a hurricane, it's not a single event that does its damage in a matter of minutes or days. The millions of gallons of oil that have spilled into the Gulf of Mexico are more like an epidemic, one that we will be fighting for months and even years. [Thanks to my slow response.]
But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we've got for as long it takes.[Just like we're fighting capitalism!] We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused [and destroy our relationship with the UK.] And we will do whatever's necessary to help the Gulf Coast and its people recover from this tragedy.
Tonight, I'd like to lay out for you what our battle plan is going forward: what we're doing to clean up the oil, what we're doing to help our neighbors in the Gulf, and what we're doing to make sure that a catastrophe like this never happens again.
First, the cleanup. [That isn't happening.]
From the very beginning of this crisis, the federal government has been in charge of the largest environmental cleanup effort in our nation's history, an effort led by Adm. Thad Allen, who has almost 40 years of experience responding to disasters. [Of course, the slowness and ineptness is all Hitler Bush's fault.] We now have nearly 30,000 personnel who are working across four states to contain and clean up the oil. [Luckily, we still have a gazillion Census takers.]
Thousands of ships and other vessels are responding in the Gulf. [Except for the ones that violate the Jones Act.] And I've authorized the deployment of over 17,000 National Guard members along the coast. These servicemen and women are ready to help stop the oil from coming ashore, they're ready to help clean the beaches, train response workers, or even help with processing claims, and I urge the governors in the affected states to activate these troops as soon as possible. [And, they can even impose martial law.]
Because of our efforts, millions of gallons of oil have already been removed from the water through burning, skimming and other collection methods. [I'm from Haw-vard! Of course I know burning oil is not a method for collecting it. Er--uh--it's Hitler Bush's fault!] Over 5.5 million feet of boom has been laid across the water to block and absorb the approaching oil. We've approved the construction of new barrier islands in Louisiana to try to stop the oil before it reaches the shore, [but first, we had Bobby Jindal sacrifice his first born to me.] and we're working with Alabama, Mississippi and Florida to implement creative approaches to their unique coastlines.
As the cleanup continues, we will offer whatever additional resources and
Now, a mobilization of this speed and magnitude will never be perfect, [Especially with me at the helm.] and new challenges will always arise. I saw and heard evidence of that during this trip. So if something isn't working, we want to hear about it. [Of course, that means the Tea Party should shut the hell up.] If there are problems in the operation, we will fix them. [and take months and months to do so.]
But we have to recognize that, despite our best efforts, oil has already caused damage to our coastline and its wildlife. And sadly, no matter how effective our response is, there will be more oil and more damage before this siege is done. [I'll play 18 holes in honor of this.]
That's why the second thing we're focused on is the recovery and restoration of the Gulf Coast.
You know, for generations, men and women who call this region home have made their living from the water. That living is now in jeopardy. I've talked to shrimpers and fishermen who [hated my guts in the first place] don't know how they're going to support their families this year. [Granted, they had no idea how they were going to do that in this crappy economy in the first place.] I've seen empty docks and restaurants with fewer customers, [no matter what, they'll be forced into the Obamacareless program. Let me be perfectly clear.] even in areas where the beaches are not yet affected.
I've talked to owners of shops and hotels who wonder when the tourists might start coming back.[I ignored comments about how the economy sucked before this happened.] The sadness and the anger they feel is not just about the money they've lost; it's about a wrenching anxiety that their way of life may be lost. [With a heavy heart, I told them it was Hitler Bush's fault.]
I refuse to let that happen. [Not until I've had a chance to destroy their lives with socialism first.] Tomorrow, I will meet with the chairman of BP and inform him that he is to set aside whatever resources are required to compensate the workers and business owners who have been harmed as a result of his company's recklessness. [If they don't comply, Robert Gibbs will put his boot to their necks and read them Ed Schultz's new book.]
And this fund will not be controlled by BP. In order to ensure that all legitimate claims are paid out in a fair and timely manner, the account must and will be administered by an independent third party. [Also known as the federal government, who will look at this as a windfall.]
Beyond compensating the people of the Gulf in the short term, it's also clear we need a long-term plan to restore the unique beauty and bounty of this region. The oil spill represents just the latest blow to a place that's already suffered multiple economic disasters and decades of environmental degradation that has led to disappearing wetlands and habitats. [Which was Hitler Bush's fault.]
And the region still hasn't recovered from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. [Again, Hitler Bush.] That's why we must make a commitment to the Gulf Coast that goes beyond responding to the crisis of the moment.
I make that commitment tonight.
Earlier, I asked Ray Mabus, the secretary of the Navy, who's also a former governor of Mississippi and a son of the Gulf Coast, to develop a long-term Gulf Coast restoration plan as soon as possible. [There's no war to be fought, or anything.] The plan will be designed by states, local communities, tribes, fishermen, businesses, conservationists [also known as Enviro-Nazi special interest groups.] and other Gulf residents. And BP will pay for the impact this spill has had on the region.
The third part of our response plan is the steps we're taking to ensure that a disaster like this does not happen again.
A few months ago, I approved a proposal to consider new, limited offshore drilling under the assurance that it would be absolutely safe, that the proper technology would be in place and the necessary precautions would be taken. [Of course, with all my experience in Community Organizing, I was more than up to the task of making this decision.]
That obviously was not the case in the Deepwater Horizon rig, and I want to know why.[Those Conservative racist homophobes keep wanting to blame an "incompetent" federal government. Forgive them, Father Alinsky. They know not what they do.] The American people deserve to know why. [but of course, we'll cover it up if it makes me look bad.] The families I met with last week who lost their loved ones in the explosion, these families deserve to know why. [I'll make sure they don't know enough to sue the federal government, however.]
And so I've established a national commission to understand the causes of this disaster and offer recommendations on what additional safety and environmental standards we need to put in place. Already I've issued a six-month moratorium on deepwater drilling. ["Never let a good crisis go to waste" is more than a slogan. It's how I do business. There was no way in hell I would let this opportunity to grow government slip through my fingers. Nor would I pass up an attempt to impose Cap and Trade on America.]
I know this creates difficulty for the people who work on these rigs, [Needless, to say, I could care less.] but for the sake of their safety and for the sake of the entire region, we need to know the facts before we allow deepwater drilling to continue. [Of course other countries are free to drill in the Gulf as much as they like. They need oil more than we do.] And while I urge the commission to complete its work as quickly as possible, I expect them to do that work thoroughly and impartially. [In other words, it must make me look damn good.]
Now, one place we've already begun to take action is at the agency in charge of regulating drilling and issuing permits, known as the Minerals Management Service.
Over the last decade, this agency has become emblematic of a failed philosophy that views all regulation with hostility, a philosophy that says corporations should be allowed to play by their own rules and police themselves. [AKA Conservatives]
At this agency, industry insiders were put in charge of industry oversight. Oil companies showered regulators with gifts and favors and were essentially allowed to conduct their own safety inspections and write their own regulations. [It's sort of like Congress, minus the orgies of power-worship.]
And when Ken Salazar became my secretary of the Interior, one of his very first acts was to clean up the worst of the corruption at this agency. But it's now clear that the problem there ran much deeper and the pace of reform was just too slow. [It was Hitler Bush's--you get the hint, right ?]
And so Secretary Salazar and I are bringing in new leadership at the agency: Michael Bromwich, who was a tough federal prosecutor and inspector general. [who knows nothing about oil] And his charge over the next few months is to build an organization that acts as the oil industry's watchdog, not its partner. [Sort of like the way the press should be my watch dog, according to those homophobe racist Tea Baggers.]
So one of the lessons we've learned from this spill is that we need better regulations, better safety standards, and better enforcement when it comes to offshore drilling. [In other words, we need more government.] But a larger lesson is that, no matter how much we improve our regulation of the industry, drilling for oil these days entails greater risk.
After all, oil is a finite resource. We consume more than 20 percent of the world's oil, but have less than 2 percent of the world's oil reserves. [You people are greedy pigs!] And that's part of the reason oil companies are drilling a mile beneath the surface of the ocean: because we're running out of places to drill on land and in shallow water. [Of course, Bill Clinton bribing oil companies to drill as far away from the shore as possible with tax breaks had nothing to do with this disaster. It was Hitler Bush's fault.]
For decades, we have known the days of cheap and easily accessible oil were numbered. For decades, we've talked and talked about the need to end America's century-long addiction to fossil fuels. And for decades, we have failed to act with the sense of urgency that this challenge requires. [To tear a page from the Rahm Emmanuel play book, it was those mother f-ing Republicans! Van Jones is right! They're a--holes.]
Time and again, the path forward has been blocked, not only by oil industry lobbyists, but also by a lack of political courage and candor. [I don't care what Americans want, and I don't care how many Democrats I throw under the bus. I will have Cap and Trade and complete my dominance over the American people. Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Obama.]
The consequences of our inaction are now in plain sight. Countries like China are investing in clean-energy jobs and industries that should be right here in America. [When they're not too busy drilling for oil, of course.] Each day, we send nearly $1 billion of our wealth to foreign countries for their oil. And today, as we look to the Gulf, we see an entire way of life being threatened by a menacing cloud of black crude.
We cannot consign our children to this future. [We must indoctrinate them and make them proud Obama Drones.] The tragedy unfolding on our coast is the most painful and powerful reminder yet that the time to embrace a clean-energy future is now. [Whether you like it or not.] Now is the moment for this generation to embark on a national mission to unleash America's innovation and seize control of our own destiny. [Or I'll seize it for you.]
This is not some distant vision for America. [Ever seen the movie "Nineteen Eighty-Four" ? Read the book, perhaps ?] The transition away from fossil fuels is going to take some time. But over the last year- and-a-half, we've already taken unprecedented action to jump-start the clean-energy industry.
As we speak, old factories are reopening to produce wind turbines, people are going back to work installing energy-efficient windows and small businesses are making solar panels. [and, they even sharpen the unicorns' horns while they're there!] Consumers are buying more efficient cars and trucks, and families are making their homes more energy-efficient. Scientists and researchers are discovering clean-energy technologies that someday will lead to entire new industries.
Each of us has a part to play in a new future that will benefit all of us. [Again, whether you like it or not.] As we recover from this recession, the transition to clean energy has the potential to grow our economy and create millions of jobs, but only if we accelerate that transition, only if we seize the moment, and only if we rally together and act as one nation: workers and entrepreneurs, scientists and citizens, the public and private sectors. [My many years of experience of being a street agitator will guide us, let me assure you.]
You know, when I was a candidate for this office, I laid out a set of principles that would move our country towards energy independence. [Like, $6.00 a gallon for gas, for example.] Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill, a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America's businesses. [Reichsfuhrer-SEIU Andy Stern will there to help "motivate" businesses into doing my bidding, and Inner Party Member Sunstein will "nudge" the helpless proles into doing what I want.]
Now, there are costs associated with this transition, [There goes my tax pledge. Darn.] and there are some who believe that we can't afford those costs right now. [We can always print more money if we want to.] I say we can't afford not to change how we produce and use energy, because the long-term costs to our economy, our national security and our environment are far greater.
So I'm happy to look at other ideas and approaches from either party, as long as they seriously tackle our addiction to fossil fuels. Some have suggested raising efficiency standards in our buildings, like we did in our cars and trucks. Some believe we should set standards to ensure that more of our electricity comes from wind and solar power. Others wonder why the energy industry only spends a fraction of what the high-tech industry does on research and development, and want to rapidly boost our investments in such research and development.
All of these approaches have merit and deserve a fair hearing in the months ahead. But the one approach I will not accept is inaction. [Of course, inaction by me is acceptable, because I am Zod. Kneel! Kneel before Zod!] The one answer I will not settle for is the idea that this challenge is somehow too big and too difficult to meet.
You know, the same thing was said about our ability to produce enough planes and tanks in World War II.[When I read how Albert Speer kept those factories going....] The same thing was said about our ability to harness the science and technology to land a man safely on the surface of the moon.
And yet, time and again, we have refused to settle for the paltry limits of conventional wisdom.
Instead, what has defined us as a nation since our founding is the capacity to shape our destiny, our determination to fight for the America we want for our children. Even if we're unsure exactly what that looks like, even if we don't yet precisely know how we're going to get there, we know we'll get there.
It's a faith in the future that sustains us as a people. It is that same faith that sustains our neighbors in the Gulf right now. [Don't forget Hope and Change, or it's off to the Ministry of Love!]
Each year, at the beginning of shrimping season, the region's fishermen take part in a tradition that was brought to America long ago by fishing immigrants from Europe. It's called "The Blessing of the Fleet," and today it's a celebration where clergy from different religions [with forced integrations by my Regime.] gather to say a prayer for the safety and success of the men and women who will soon head out to sea, some for weeks at a time.
The ceremony goes on in good times and in bad. It took place after Katrina, and it took place a few weeks ago, at the beginning of the most difficult season these fishermen have ever faced.
And still, they came and they prayed. [Until the ACLU made them stop.]
For as a priest and former fisherman once said of the tradition, "The blessing is not that God has promised to remove all obstacles and dangers. The blessing is that he is with us always," a blessing that's granted "even in the midst of the storm."
The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. [There are many eggs to cracked when you make a socialist omelette.] This nation has known hard times before, and we will surely know them again. What sees us through -- what has always seen us through -- is our strength, our resilience, and our unyielding faith that something better awaits us if we summon the courage to reach for it.
Tonight, we pray for that courage, we pray for the people of the Gulf, and we pray that a [secular] hand may guide us through the storm towards a brighter day.
Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America."
[Or, what's left of it.]
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