The Very First Big Government

Many people, especially the drones at MSNBC, believe that Conservatism is a political theory. Any true Conservative would disagree with them vehemently on this issue. Conservatism is more or less a reflection on history. In other words, we look back at the past with an honest desire not to repeat the same mistakes that our ancestors made. The Progressiveviks on the left, however, do not. They think they are the brightest and most educated, and everyone around them is still thrashing about in the primordial ooze. The Progressivevik believes that they can ignore history and get away with it.

As my life's mission compels me to do, I will prove them wrong like I always do. (No, I don't need a hobby.)

Ok folks, get those tweed jackets on, get that pipe lit, starighten out that bow tie.....It's Haw-vard time!

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you of the first sighting of Big Government and its first failure with horrible consequences. I'm going to tell you a tale of the world's first superpower: The glory that was the Roman Empire. This tale should scare the hell out of anyone who uses their head for more than a hat rack. I'm certain it won't do anything for Keith Olbermann or his nine remaining viewers, but miracles are possible. (Number ten started watching Hannity and realized he wasted his valuable time on God's green and not mention scientifically proven cooling earth watching such inane slop.)

In the year 312 AD (Not "Common Era" ! I refuse to use it despite the fact I'm Jewish! Does everything have to be so damned politically correct ? I'll use Anno Domini out of spite! Take that, ACLU!), the latest of many Roman civil wars ended, and the last man standing was Constantine, a brilliant general and politician. After assuming the throne, Constatine legalized a budding religion known as Christianity. Back then, for those of you with a public education, Christians were persecuted and fed to the lions, much like how the left treats anyone who disagrees with the "proven science" of the lie/false religion of Global Warming. The newly crowned emperor realized that the Empire would never last with the kind of hate his predecessor, Diocletian, had shown them. (It also didn't hurt that Constatine had a vision that, as the legend says, a burning cross appeared in the sky and Christ told him, "By this sign, you will conquer." Take from this story what you will. The Catholic Church has never made a ruling on whether or not this was a miracle.) Constatine honestly believed that Monotheism that taught ethics and morals would be the thing that would save the dying Empire, as Rome was beginning to crumble.

Constatine did a great thing and did also sealed the fate of the Empire. The great thing he did was save Christianity (and, not to mention, give us the Nicene Creed). Unfortunately, he also planted the seed of the Tree of Pestilence, Big Government. What Constatine failed to understand was Christianity was not the glue he needed to keep the Empire in one piece. It was fractured with many heresies, like the Arian Heresy, which denied the Divinity of Christ, and a whole bunch of wacky interpretations of the Gospels, like the Gnostic Heresy. (I won't bore you with an explanation of that one.) Constatine and his successors not only had to keep the Germanic tribes at bay, but now they had the incessant religious debates of the day, which took them them away from minding the store. With each debate, the Germanic tribes inched closer and closer, while Constatine and his sucessors debated whether or not Christians should serve in the Imperial legions and when Lent was.(At least they did decide which books of the Bible were canon, so don't look at this as a bad thing.)

This all came to head when in 395 AD,  when the emperor Theodosius made Christianity the official religion of the Empire and while it was great for the souls of the Roman Empire, it was terrible move politically, since that meant the bureaucracy of the Catholic Church came with it. It became impossible for Theodosius to make a political decision without first consulting with the Pope. To ease this heavy burden, Theodosius split the Empire in two, the western half was still the Roman Empire and the eastern half became the Byzantine Empire, named after the Greek city Byzantium. The Germanic tribes were overjoyed by the division, since they had a new impetus for invading Roman lands. The Huns were hot on their heels, along with the Ostrogoths, the Visigoths, and the Vandals. The tribes constantly attacked Roman lands, and in fact Rome itself was sacked in 410 AD by the Germanic king Alaric. Finally, the last Roman emperor, Romulus Augustulus, surrendered to the Odacer, king of the Lombards in 476 AD. Rome was finally dead.

Enough with the egg-head nonsense! What does this have to do with American politics ?

The Roman Empire fell for many reasons, but one of the chief culprits was the Roman government sticking its nose where it didn't belong, sort of like the useless Obamacareless debate that we have yet again. The Roman emperors of old had no idea what they were getting themselves into by involving themselves inappropriately in religion, just like Chairman Obama has no idea what he's getting into by inappropriately inserting the federal government into health care. If he gets his way, health care will not only drain the coffers of the Treasury, it will become a divisive issue, unlike anything that has been seen before in the United States. The moment Granny Smith is told to go home and die by someone like Robert Reich, the doo-doo will hit the fan. God only knows how many lawsuits against the federal government will occur from this stupidity. Only the Big Conservative Upstairs knows how much civil chaos this could cause. After a while, it will be the only issue the government will be able to handle. There are 300+ million Americans. Socialist medicine, Obamacare, or whatever you want to call it has never been tried on a population of this size.

Just like at the end of the glory that was Rome, America has more than its share of problems with other nations that can't be ignored or put off for a second. There's al-Qaeda being their usual lovable selves, sending the Christmas Day Skidmark Bomber to blow up a plane above a major American city and trying to score nuclear weapons in unstable Pakistan. We shouldn't forget everyone's least favorite Muppet, Kim Jong Mentally Ill, who, at last check, threatened to fire missiles toward Hawaii. There's also Adolf Ahmedinjad in Iran who wants to usher in the era of the 12th Imam by using nuclear weapons. There's also the unConstitutional occupation of Haiti to deal with, and oh, I almost forgot, a big, undefended border to to the south where ILLEGAL aliens pour in whenever the mood strikes them. Our federal government, which lacks the ability to chew gum and walk at the same time, can not be bogged down with the issues of health care, especially with the climate the world is in. The current political environment of the world demands that the federal government focuses on protecting the United States from foreign enemies, known and unknown. Let's not forget the world economic climate, either. The last time we had world wide economic disaster like this, an event known as World War II occurred. (I have dibs on this comparison, so don't get any funny ideas. This will be explored soon.in a future column, so stay tuned.) If we're going to survive on as a nation, we can't have the federal government distracted by health care, just like the Roman emperors were distracted by religion and ignored the barbarians at the gates. (No, I'm not calling illegal aliens barbarians. Settle down, ACLU, settle down.) My father gave me an invaluable piece of advice that would serve Chairman Obama well. Never start another project until you've finished the first one. Call me crazy and off my meds, but shouldn't the federal government settle its two major wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, its shadow wars in Yemen and Somalia, its occupation of Haiti, and secure the southern border of the United States before tackling a social issue that most voters have already decided wasn't as important as the economy or national security ? (And, might I add, the voters also aren't exactly enchanted with Obama's health care plan, either.)

It's like the old corny saying goes: Those who don't study and understand history are doomed to repeat it.....